It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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