Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
