I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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