WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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