I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
