you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
