I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
