omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
