I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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