we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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