Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Randomize
