Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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