I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
