he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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