I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
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