3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Welp...herpes.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
