I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
