he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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