so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
