You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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