I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
