Apparently you make a good broom.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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