do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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