those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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