I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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