I met the friendliest cop last night
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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