hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
