I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
