woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
