I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
