im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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