something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
MIDGETS
????
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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