A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
