Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
