i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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