I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
he's gonorrhea incarnate
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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