Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.