new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
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she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
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Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
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