You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
That's when you crack a 10am beer
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
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After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
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All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.