I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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