Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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