I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
