at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
