Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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