I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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