I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
