guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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