if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
