I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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