you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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