Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
