barbara walters just said penis...
there was a trapeze. enough said
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
So many bounce houses so little time
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
