im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
