Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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