How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
