you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
