i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
