happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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