Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
