I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
